Mornin
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“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer
*temp reaches 95 degrees*
Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane