Mornin
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If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Potatoes were such a good idea
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
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