Mornin
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The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?