Mornin
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This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
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“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely