Mornin. * use accordingly
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your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.