Mornin
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At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Asking the real questions!
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky