Morning.
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[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
technique
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?
Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.
*7yo walks off*
Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!