Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.

I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.

It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused