[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
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someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.