Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

Smile they said.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?