[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
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FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.