Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

is this how new cars are made??

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”

-guy who invented ketchup packets

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.