[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale