Morning all.
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me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳