Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

Love is always patient and kind.

My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.

“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”

Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.

Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

😊🦆

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice