Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

Them: I wish for world peace

Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

When life hands you women, make women laid.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.