Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.