Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”

– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

[lava kids playing in a volcano]

“the floor is linoleum!”

I really miss my family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes

I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.

[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people