Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

[Interview]

“Describe yourself in one word.”

Me: Lethargic.

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.