Morning my dudes.
You Might Also Like
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
🤣🤣
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.