Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
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Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
New favorite tiktok
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.