Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
(True)
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.