Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
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Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….