Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
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the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.