Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.

He’s cranky this morning

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them

MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long

ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

ㅤ

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!