Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
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The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
good morning
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much