Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I can’t stop watching this.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!