Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
men are simple creatures
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife