Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
selfie game
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.