Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
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no one likes gloating
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.