I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.
Morning wood makes the best fire.
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Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
*guy bumps my shoulder*
“You’re lucky this isn’t the Internet pal”
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.