I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work