@TeachersHot

Morning wood makes the best fire.

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@hollywoodsigh

I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.

@HomeWithPeanut

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

@TheBoydP

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

@ThugRaccoons

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

@daemonic3

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

@mccoy_paul

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

@DanMentos

*guy bumps my shoulder*
“You’re lucky this isn’t the Internet pal”

@abbycohenwl

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

@Social_Mime

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.