Morning.
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Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
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I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
This kid will have a bright future.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other