Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

This is a bad sign

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

I like crazy people until they notice me

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry

ME: I’m not voting for anyone

CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!

TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!

ME: looks like I’m voting twice then

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

HOW DARE YOU

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too