Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

handsome & gretel

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

If snakes were wide

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

WWE is French for “yes”

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.