[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
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A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.