Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

this is the greatest thing ever

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what