Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis