Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?

Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)

(Later, 4:30pm)

6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?

Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.

8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.