MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
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My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
love it when they get my name right
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere