Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
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me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
