Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
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SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation