Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

Before therapy: I hate people

After therapy: I hate therapists

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.