Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
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I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.