Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.

Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Him: I’m an animal person

Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.

Her: You took a cab?

Me: I’m gonna give it back!

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

[sitting in dentist’s chair]

Dentist: get out of my living room

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.