Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy

Wife: You’re supposed to cook it

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!