Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?