MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
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Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.