Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

I’m dying louder than usual today.

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

Oh yeah that’s it

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.