Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
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This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Banderslack Clamberdorch
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..