Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

Me: dance like no one’s watching!

Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume

Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here

Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏

i think my razor is having a panic attack

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

Woke up against my better judgement again