Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
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When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Same post same
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.