Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
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BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
