Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
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Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King