morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
You Might Also Like
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Adultry does not sound fun at all
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk