Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”

And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18

“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”

WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

You were the one.

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

And then Satan said “water down the gravy”

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents