Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

🤣🤣

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

new wife guy just dropped

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.