Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.