Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

this is the best day of my life

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

😜

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

◾️

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad

COW: What’s that mean?

MAN: Uh-

COW: I’m fat?

MAN: … You’re a cow?

PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo