Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
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Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
#damn
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.