Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?

Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?

Me: yes.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?

Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.

Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?

Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

wtf management?!

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.