morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
You Might Also Like
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
At least my masseuse has my back.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.