Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

Still a very good boi….

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

Smile Twitter, Smile.

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

[Amazon marketing emails]

‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*

‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*

‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*

‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*

*looks in mirror*

Hmm *—add to basket*

I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep