Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.