@ellewasamistake

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

Gf: come over
Me: can’t, playing the new call of duty
Gf: my parents are out of town
Me: you’re 30 years old, grow up

@SketchesbyBoze

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

@SonOfCha

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

@CrabbyDaCrab

2019: I really want to be able to spend more time with my family.
2020: No. Not like that.

@abi4205

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

@sofarrsogud

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

@roboticcrab

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

@TheWeirdWorld

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.