morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?