@DaddyJew
Gf: come over
Me: can’t, playing the new call of duty
Gf: my parents are out of town
Me: you’re 30 years old, grow up
@ellewasamistake
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
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@DaddyJew
@SketchesbyBoze
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
@SonOfCha
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
@causticbob
goldfish mafia
@CrabbyDaCrab
2019: I really want to be able to spend more time with my family.
2020: No. Not like that.
@crunchenhancer
A leaf blower, but for people.
@abi4205
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
@sofarrsogud
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
@roboticcrab
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
@TheWeirdWorld
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.