Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
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My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Interior design 👌
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.