Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
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i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”