Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
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HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
this will hang in the louvre one day
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.