Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

Always the camel, never the toe.

”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!

[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.

Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich