Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

[at a mattress store]

sales assistant: what size are you looking for?

me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.