Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books

Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.